...in His presence...

Since the earliest days of my life what I remember and shall never forget is that You God are with me. You are real. And the realization and experience of Your real presence has been unquestionably the central defining truth of my life, which is in fact the central and defining truth of the life of the world. Through Your gift of a simple act of prayer, faithful, consistent prayer, I thank You, Lord, that you pulled me to You so that I could come to know the real presence of God. You gave me a clear and distinct knowledge of You that was over the top true and deeply personal. You stepped into my life before I began to read the Scriptures and to meditate on Your Word. I remember in tears that You so powerfully came, speaking loudly into my heart. I felt Your gaze into my heart. I felt Your hand that held mine. I knew You were with me.

But I am so saddened and so deeply troubled to see that in my life I have periodically experienced my capacity to let You go, dear Lord, choosing instead to walk away from You, dear Lord, who are all-good and deserving of all my love. I am saddened to see that I have looked at You, at Your face, and sometimes turned around and said to You in as many words: I’ll be back later, I don’t need You now, I am taking a vacation from You, I am putting You away in my “God Box” and tucking You underneath my bed, freeing me to step away without You for a spell. I no longer feel the desire and the need to be with You. I have even lost my desire to talk to You. And most of all I took moments in my life to wear spiritual ear plugs, needing no more to repose in You, choosing a life that no longer seeks the life and peace of my soul.

And yet when my feet took me off the path You chose to remain with me, while I struggled in utter futility to find my way back to You. Every time I realized I could not find my way out of the woods. I was lost. And yet You found me. In fact You never lost me. You are never apart from me; it is I who is apart from You! By choice. And yet You find me and welcome me back. Your grace and Your love are too great for me to understand, but Your presence thaws out my frozen heart, Your presence pulls the plugs from my ears, and You let me know for certain that You are still with me, and that it is You, You alone, whom I need every second. Your presence fills me again.

When You come into my presence, You come loudly and quietly, with anger and loving mercy, understandably impatient and hurt by my sinfulness and yet always tender and compassionate. Oh how I wish You would give me the habit to stay by Your side, not to stray and step away! For I know that it is within Your nature alone that I can be free of ordinary efforts and rely, instead on Your heart and soul to lift me above all the matters of my life that weigh me down. I understand so deeply why, when You taught me to pray, You taught me to pray that You would lead me not into temptation, for I too often melt in the face of the temptations that Satan rolls down my path to trip me up. I pray for Your grace to help me remain firmly with You, as my center and place of rest, and that my faith will lead me to desire Your companionship more than anything else in my life.

I pray You fill my soul with the joy of Your real and true presence, so that I may feel only You in the world, and that every day I may be in conversation with You, heart to heart, without uttering a single word.

I want to feel only You and to turn to You to fill all my needs, and only as You completely see fit to do! May I live each day fully aware of Your presence, and may You “lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil, amen.”

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me a sinner.

From the Bible:

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” Psalm 16:11.

“My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest” Exodus 33:14.

“You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek”

Psalm 27:8.

“That times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago”

Acts 3:20-21.

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29:13.

“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth” Psalm 145:18.